Forum for residents of St Georges Park and Long Leys Road Lincoln

Jonathan Ross has been caught stealing from Lakeland Plastics

When questioned by police he said it was a whisk he had to take.

Can you cry under water?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good ...

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I
Want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.
'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
'So, Murphy, how was your day?'

Murphy told him that he took care of ...

At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign.
His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a
railway locomotive after him. So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from
Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the
possibilities.
"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a
specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant. "Mostly freight
locomotives though."
"Oh dear, that's not ...

THE BROTHEL
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she ...

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool ...

THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love ...

A man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend that I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am?”

The woman replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north ...

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed
him in front of a steam train.
> He was chuffed to bits.

>
>
> I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny,
flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
> She turned out to be an undercover detective.
> How cool is that at her age?!

>>
> I just saw ...

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project, Steve, Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says "Someone should go and tell his wife".

Bluey says "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it'. Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says "Where did you get that, Bluey?

"Steve's wife gave it to me" Bluey ...