Forum for residents of St Georges Park and Long Leys Road Lincoln

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....



I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in
front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.



I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about ...

My mate phoned me from up North, said it hasn't stopped snowing for the past 3 days.

All his wife has done for the whole time is look through the window.

He said if it gets any colder he'll just have to let her back in !

"The Best Pubs Are Irish"

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs
back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The
landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,
he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red
Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy ...

FINALLY — A great alternative to body scanners at airports


. . . Due to concerns over terrorists a company is developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports. It’s a booth you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. They see this as a win-win for everyone, with no racial profiling. It ...

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said, "he won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor, "give him an 'Irish Viagra'. "Drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things ...

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will ...

A gorgeous young woman was waiting in the bus queue
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
Aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
Come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
Driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
Thinking that this would give her ...

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed ...

What do you call a man wearing paper pants??


Russel!!

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Norwich UK, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, ...